I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
