whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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