Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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