the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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