Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
