My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
