Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize