Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize