does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
