So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
