none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
