im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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