worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
