just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My vagina is very pro this idea
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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