You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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