Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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