Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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