Yo dont text me then not text me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
