It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
