paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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