Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize