No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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