i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
