bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
