The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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