I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
