I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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