the condom got lost in my hair
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sorry about my life...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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