someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
