I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
