i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
