dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
