There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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