I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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