an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
