I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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