I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
