i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
