i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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