I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
