i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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