just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
