he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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