I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
