How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
