She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
