you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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