my phone needs a breathalizer
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
