if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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