I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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