Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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